The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Cower" to "Wet Pants." The only two higher levels in France are "Collude" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent riot that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.
Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing". Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."
The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs". They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Canada has advised all citizens to build snowmen to give an illusion of actually having an army. Armed guards are now posted around all hockey arenas. Inceased hockey stick production has begun.
Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive strikes, on all of their allies, just in case.